Quick life changing rant (or a waste of short words)

Change: These are the thoughts that have been staying with me and as the saying goes ‘something’s got to give.’

Few things have changed in the last few years. Feeling still linger, pain is never far away, happiness has been hit or miss and creativity has hit a two year low.

So I think of change. This change needs to start with my attitude. My general out look on life is bleak. I like happy and shiny, but tend to look at the down side of things. If I conquer this goal other things will follow.

Yet how do I tackle such a challenge? How do I become more positive? Or more to the point: how do I become less negative? I would like to train myself to think happier thoughts. Now that I have noticed that the first thought to pop into my head is almost ways something wrong, I would like to make that change. If it is at all possible.

I must think it is possible and cheer the fuck up. I no longer want to be the person people expect me to be.

Fighting my technology

I keep trying to mess with the programing in my tablet, but I keep running into some problems.

There is only one problem. That is my laptop. Now that my internet is working again, I find the only complaint I have right now is my computer situation.

My desktop has then the corner from gaming machine to totally useless. The turn was fast, but I saw it coming. I don’t think I can even upgrade it any more. It’s time to give up.

Just as I say this I find I can no longer deal with this laptop anymore. It has had a good run and even though it is still powerful enough to be used as a portable desktop replacement, it has one major flaw. The thing overheats. At times it will run for hours with no issues, but when I try to use it, the thing shuts off.  More to the point it just dies. Screen, hard drive, WiFi, battery….that is how the lights go out.

I have tried to fix it. Replace the fan and messed with programing, but have not found a way to keep it running consistently.

It has been a long time coming and it has had a good run.  It is time to find a new lappy.  I am not ready for this. I could use a few weeks to plan. A month at best to find the right laptop at the best low cost Milwaukee price. Hell I’m not even sure if I want a big screen on the thing or a smaller more portable thing.

Most of the lappy’s use will be at home so size might not be a big concern. Yet I want something portable.

Power is going to be the most important feature. I’d love to find something I can feel comfortable buying that can run newer games at good frame rates. I know it won’t last, but it’s a good place to start.

A failed experiment

For the first of the year I got new glasses. Not just one pair, but two. One pair will be for my everyday wearables. The second pair are sports glasses. Now I have only tried them once, but I hate these new sports frames.

I played soccer Monday night and found that it is going to take me a little time to get used to the new frames. The frames are big and black. Some of my vision is blocked off. It feels as if I am being forced into seeing through a tunnel.

This is really to be expected. I have not worn any corrective lens to play soccer in something like six years. Some would say I am blind, but I have done a half way decent job without them. Lately my old age has had me rethink this strategy. I also blame leo. He helped talk me into getting a pair. They are a good idea, but as I said it might take me sometime to get used to them.

I only wore them for the first half of the game. I didn’t do bad with them. I had to turn my head more often when covering people. The second half I ended up scoring a goal without my glasses on. It was still only the first time, I’m sure things will get better.

Why don’t I get contacts? This is a question asked by almost everyone I know. I have my reasons. The simple reason is that they are expensive, but that is not all of it. The second part is the most important part. In the past I have scratched my corneas. Not once, but twice. This is not a good feeling.

So the idea of me paying money to fuck up my eyes is just out of the question. Maybe one day I will try them again. It all depends on a few things. First I need to have some disposable income. My contacts still cost about six hundred dollars and I only get one set which they say should last a year.

Right now I have no plans on getting contacts, but who know what will happen later this year.

Done and Done

I have finished my Christmas shopping. It was simple this year. So simple because I’m not buying anything for anyone. This is not because I don’t care. Well I don’t care. I’m just not buying anything. Simple as that.

I love my family and I love all they have and will do for me, but this is not the time for me to buy anyone anything. I have money…not much, but I have enough to buy the cute things I know they might want.

Now our family has said that we are not getting each other gifts. So I have a good reason for not buying the adults stuff. Yet the kids: I don’t have a good reason for that. I could come up with a few…..

• I don’t know what to get them.
• I don’t want to think about what to get them.
• They have enough stuff.
• The cool things are too much money.
• I don’t want to.
• I never seen them so the gift of me is enough.
• Christmas is a sham.
• Tom Cruise wouldn’t buy them presents.
• I’m not in the holiday spirit.
• I’m not making the time.
• I like not going to the mall (or toy stores)
• I didn’t win in Vegas.
• When is Christmas anyway?

• See simple. None of these are real good reasons, but I never needed a good reason to do anything before. Now that we are only a few days away from the day, it is now too late for me to do anything any way.

Wow, not since October

So I figured I check in. I’m going to Vegas. First time in many many years. I was maybe just 22 when I went with my girl last time. That was so long ago. Now I’m heading out there with a few of my friends. The only plan we have it Sunday, where we plan on spending most of the day betting on football. Other then that I assume a lot of walking, a lot of drinking and a little bit of gambling.

The Holidays are upon us. I did nothing for Thanksgiving. I spent the day home and cooked for myself.  Turns out a small turkey is easier to cook then a big one. Everything turned out good, even the stuffing which I just made up as I went. I’ve never made dressing before and I chose not to follow a recipe.

My technical life is falling apart. I have a vary old and out of date desktop that can hardly play streamed movies with out skipping. My PS3 has just lost it’s one and only controller after I tossed it against the wall because it wasn’t working as it should, not because it lost me the game. My laptop is also starting to die. It’s been on it’s way out for a while now. It over heats and shuts down, and the track pad touches things on it’s own.  It’s been a good computer, more so since it was free.

So soon I will have to spend money on my tech. The last thing on the list is my desktop, but I miss computer games. I’ve tried to play Portal 2 and Crisis 2 on my desktop and it stutters and crashes. Yet the lappy is the more important thing to replace. I use it daily, but I need to dicide if I want to keep with the 17in screen or go down a size. I love the real estate. I’m afraid I’d miss it, but a smaller screen would make the thing more portable.

 

Getting around to it

Time is always against  me.  Simple truths have always been my seek point. All my time is spent trouble shooting problems. If it is simple other people know the answer and my knowledge is not tapped.

 

The facts of life, the facts of life?

Sometimes I wish I would have fought for you. Sometimes I wish I would not have been so nice, or so understanding. Sometimes I wish things were different, but most of the time I understand why they are as they are.

Sometimes nothing is as good as the truth. Sometimes I enjoy the lie. Most of the time not knowing is the better choice.

Sometimes knowledge is power. There are times when the more you know the more trouble you end up in. Sometimes the idiot is right.

I have won a game where no one won. I have lost a win and tied with the most points. Sometime, just some times it doesn’t matter the outcome. Sometimes the end is just an end.

Sometimes when you are entertained you are not having fun and what entertains you frustrates you to no end. Yet the end is not always the goal.

Sometimes it is the destination. Sometimes the road less traveled is crowded. One time it was simpler to to follow.

Those who lead always follow. Sometimes you can follow by leading. Sometimes no one leads and everyone still gets where they are going.

Sometimes being angry is what makes you happy.  Some times mad people get what they want. Sometimes hate prepares you for the battle.

Yet ninety-nine is never one hundred.

The things we think…

I have a story

I have been told I bury the lead.

I was moving some furniture around in my apartment….that is how the story is to start, but it will end in people questioning an judging. I don’t want you to do that, yet I would not expect any less. So let’s get on with if.

Oh did I mention this was a 9/11 story.

….I found a handful of my old journals. I flipped around a bit. I grabbed the most worn out of the group and started flipping over a few entries.

Started off simple enough, sad about this, happy about that, Hell I even meet a girl in this one. Then I landed on the date that seems to be on everyone’s mind of late. September 11, 2001.

As short recap. I was sick with phenomena at the time. It was day two. All I wanted to do was sleep and sleep I did, for most of the first day.

Day two, 9/11, I was woken up by the phone. It rang six or seven times, I ignored it for most of it.

The first words I heard that morning was, “Andy, have you, did you, turn on the tv.” After been woken up from a dead sleep I can’t remember my response, by the tv was on in seconds. Just in time to see, with the rest of the world, the second plane to hit.

The rest of my day was a blur. I was in and out of sleep. I was shocked and amazed by the events and entertain by the live events that where unfolding right outside in the real world.

“I felt like I must have been the only one who hadn’t heard….and my first thoughts were, of shock and horror and happiness. Happiness?…..”

Yes Andy, happiness. I don’t remember much about that emotion. I don’t remember the moment I felt it. I do, on the other hand remember the reason for thinking it.

As my journal pointed out, “I have seen the improbable, I have seen the terror….somehow I was fascinated.”

At the time I was not in a good place. A few entire before I was hoping for a broken limb, an arm or rib…something like that.

The world was getting boring. The world needed to be shaken up. In one past a few months ago suggested, “the world needs another big war….war is the mother of all invention.” I still beloved that to be true, but just because it is true does not mean it is right.

So, true I had joy in may heart at seeing the destruction of one of the tallest buildings in the US of A, but there was entertainment watching it on tv, day after day.

The final question comes to mind, I don’t want to answer it, but I feel like it would be the only right thing to do.

There is no joy in the events of September 11th. Nothing good came out of it. Not event the park that is being build on top of the dead. Yet I enjoy the pictures. I am entertained but the aftermath and it has made good tv.

I watch the specials about the towers falling. I watch the plane hit tower two at least twice a day. It’s always on tv and they make it so entertaining to watch.

Now I did not loose anyone and I have never been to a military funeral. So I have no connecting to the dead, other than they where people, they where on American soil and they are dead.

Game on

Looks like this old man is going to running a lot this weekend. Yea this weekend I will be playing in five soccer games in three days.

I’m playing in a coed tournament where, on Saturday and Sunday, I play three games: four if we make it too the finals. We should do well. We won the league this year. I played my part, even if that part is no longer as important ad it once was.

Before that I have my over 30 game on Friday night. This league is about what I would expect. It can be competative, but isn’t always.

Normally after one Friday night game I am sore and my knee is always tender. Hell even during the game my knee gets fatigued. I have pulled my self out because my knee felt weak.

It’s mostly fine. I’ve stopped wearing the brace. It was time. It might even been over time. I don’t think I needed it, but it was just comforting knowing it was there…..just in case.

We’ll see how this goes. I am mostly a back up at this point, and when I can I will play.

The third aftermath

The one party I throw all year is over and it went well. The Living Room was set up on time and the fireworks went off as normal. Yet I have one nagging question , “why don’t people listen to me.

I’ve been doing this set up at the lake front for fourteen years now. I know what I am doing. So what I sometimes do it half assed, I still get it done. People tell me I don’t need another sofa. Yet when I get one it turns out I needed it. So I don’t listen.To

People tell me how tobsave space, and I don’t listen and things turn out fine. We have the space. People know these days that that is my spot, and no one wants to be all that close to us. We are loud, we are drunk (sometimes) and we are a big group.

Yet this year I made the mistake that I can not forgive my self for. I brought too much beer. We ended up with a full cooler of beer when all was said and done. I’ve had left overs before, but never that much. Never that much. Yet as mistakes go this is not the worst I could have made.

So it was successful.  Things where good and ever with me drinking all day I kept my self in good enough shape to say by to my mom. Yes this major party is a family affair.  My mother, brothers and their children all show up and sit in the park on a sofa and watch the 3rd of July fireworks in Milwaukee.

Good times. No pictures.